Did you see Avatar?  If you did, there can be little doubt of the effect it had on you.  Thrilling adventure?  Check.  Hatred for evil Americans? Check. Crushing, black depression over the fact that Earth isn’t as pretty as the fictional world of Pandora?  For thousands, sadly, check.

For the last couple of weeks, a fan website, Avatar-Forums.com, has been filling up with thousands of posts from people discussing the depression associated with the film.  Specifically, the lonely nerds are afflicted with a deep despair because they know they will never be able to go to the fictional planet of Pandora and live, at one, with nature.

According one post, the makers of Avatar “outdid God:”

“It seems that the makers of Avatar have created a dream of a world, that is way better than ours. More beautiful, more pure, more meaningful. And when you wake up and return to the world as we know it, you can’t think of anything that compares to Pandora. And you get a depressed, empty, meaningless feeling as you realize that there’s no Pandora out there, there’s no Na’vi people. You’ll never be blue, you never see a tree that big, or the floating mountains. You will never connect with Eywa to listen to your ancestors, and you will never fly a dragon. You will never marry a Na’vi.”

Another poster put it this way, while commenting on his thoughts of suicide, and his burgeoning love for the film’s female character Neytiri:

“Do you guys also feel depressed when you leave the theaters because Pandora isn’t real?  It saddens me because pandora is like the perfect place to live your life and the environment is so balanced. we are killing our mother (earth) and taking her for granted. it probably couldve been like pandora and the wonderful extincted creatures/species/flowers couldve still been here. The glowing forest and plants of Pandora were just breath taking. Neytiri’s free spirit, personality, and smile just makes me all warm inside.”

Still others have posted messages about how the film is destroying their married lives:

“So I’ve been married to my wife for a while now. Its been 6 years since our marriage and I had been dating her for 4 years prior to that. So its been quite a while. My life hasn’t been that bad. I mean I have a good job working at Safeway bagging groceries, and my wife is a psychologist so she’s the real breadwinner in the family.”

“We may not be rich but we usually don’t want for much. I never thought myself the type to have an addictive personality but ever since we saw Avatar in theaters I have been having problems.”

“The past 7 nights in a row my wife has asked me to have sex with her, and I just haven’t been in the mood. Scratch that. I’m incredibly horny most of the time, but I dont feel attracted to her anymore. The sight of her naked literally does nothing for me, and I’m frightened by that. Instead I imagine Neytiri. Her majestic grace and boundless beauty as well as the alien mystery about her. I want to fly off to pandora and live with her, to be with her always. I would worship her as she deserves. I’d do anything to just to touch her, to smell her.”

“She’s the perfect woman, and i feel like this life here has lost its spark. Where is the magic in humanity. Just a few days ago, my son asked me some question about what happened in Avatar. I don’t even remember what it was, but after I told him, I started crying. Right in front of him. All I can think about is how depressing it is that I will never reach Pandora. I almost vomited while I cried. It was the most pathetic thing I have ever done. Im in my 30’s for god’s sake. I have to remain strong for my son. Right?”

“I want to tell my wife but she’s a psychologist. She’ll think I’m sick. I know it. I probably am sick. But what can I do. Its a little early to tink about divorce, but the thought of her disgusts me. The thought of me disgusts me. How could I compare to the beauty and grace of a Na’vi. I want to leave, to just leave and sort things out, but I dont want to leave my wife and son alone. I don’t know what to do with myself, with my life. I don’t want to see another psychologist and get treated like a specimen. I just want to be a Na’vi. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”

Wow.  I don’t even know what to say to this.  When I was six, we had Star Wars.  I really wanted to fly an X-wing, and I seem to recall thinking Princess Leia was pretty.  That said, I was six.  For a six year old, that seems appropriate.  Star Wars did not destroy my parents marriage, nor did it make them want to kill themselves. 

I’m pretty sure that if you’re in your thirties, and sexual fantasies about a seven foot tall blue alien are ruining your marriage, you have what scientists call “a screw loose.”

Of course, the deeper problem here is that many Americans seem to have an uncanny ability to bury themselves in fantasy rather than deal with the world they inhabit.  Even more frightening are the throngs of doctors, scientists, reporters and politicians willing to take their neuroses seriously.  Already some psychiatrists are looking into whether or not Avatar-depression rises to the clinical level.  If it does, will Obamacare use taxpayer dollars to treat it?

If so, I’d like to make my pitch for Hawaii-depression.  Ever since my honeymoon, I can’t get Polynesia out of my head.  I just keep thinking about Hawaii, and home made Mai-Tais aren’t solving the problem.  I think I need a doctor to prescribe a trip to Kauai.  Prescriptions are going to be covered by the government, right?

- Robert Laurie

More at CNN

It’s called the Promethean, a $25,000 gold plated coffin, and  it will be at the center of a funeral unlike anything anyone has seen before.

Jackson once said of his future funeral, “It’s going to be the greatest show on Earth. That’s what I want. Fireworks and everything.”

The spectacle will kick off Tuesday morning at 10 A.M.  in the Los Angeles Staples Centre, home of the LA Lakers.  Eleven thousand tickets are being handed out randomly to fans, well wishers, and gawkers, while up to a million more are expected to view the show on giant screens being erected outside the arena. 

Mourners will be treated to performances from a variety of musicians and singers, not to mention a parade of animals - including Lions, Tigers, and a team of elephants.  The elephant parade, organized by Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey circus, was already scheduled for Tuesday, but has been re-purposed for the pop star’s final goodbye.

 After the ceremony, which will be attended by stars such as Paul McCartney, Diana Ross, and the ever-present Elizabeth Taylor, Jackson’s body will be laid to rest in a private, family-only ceremony at Forest Lawn cemetery.  His interment there may only be temporary, however, as the family expects to move him to Neverland Ranch once the legal permissions are finalized.

A circus he wanted, and a circus he shall receive.

-Robert Laurie

Now, this is not normally the sort of thing I write about.  Heck, it’s not normally the sort of thing I care about.  That said, when you hear the news that Britney Spears is going to star in a movie that’s a cross between Back To The Future and Schindler’s List, you’ve just got to tell someone.

According to the Hollywood rumor sites, Britney will be starring in “The Yellow Star Of Sophia and Eton,” a movie in which, and I swear I’m not making this up, she builds a time machine, travels back to a WWII-era Nazi concentration camp, and falls in love with a Jewish man named Eton.  The rest of the film deals with their attempt to escape to the future so they can marry.

It’s almost as good an idea as Jerry Lewis’ infamous and still unreleased ”Day The Clown Cried,” where Lewis played a clown who entertained children waiting for their turn in the gas chambers.

Details are scarce, but you have to wonder if someone out there saw her shaved head and thought “I’ve got it!  Get me to the typewriter!”  It’s an idea so colossally bad, so monumentally insensitive, that it could only have come from the coke-addled mind of modern Hollywood. 

President Obama, bring on the pay czar.  If this is the best Hollywood can do, the execs are obviously being over compensated.

-Robert Laurie

It’s a sad day here in Hockeytown, but at least Sidney Crosby and Pierre McGuire are happy.  Congratulations guys, and best wishes as you embark on your new life together.

-Robert Laurie